So hooray to me!
Cos i finally finish my exams....again
it's kinda mixed feeling
happy cos i finish it. and i have really tried my best in this.
much more than last year.
but why do i get this feeling that the results would be somewhat similar?
thinking about this makes me even more sad.

Haiz...
Now i can't even sleep
insomnia....is it?
ah, who cares?
i feel like a free bird.
yet not knowing which direction i'll be going next
i'm afraid of being lost. being alone.
not having a hand reach out to me and guide me.
like a blind person without his walking stick.

argh..why do i have to be so emo and pessimistic?
i really have tried out being more positive
but i feel like i'm betraying myself form my true feelings

there was one night, where my brother wanted to throw away some old stuffs.
and my mum commented that he should throw me away too
i answered "ok, just give me some money. and a house. i'm ok with that"
she laughed. if only she knew that i was half serious about it.

i find myself starting to be a bit anti social, or not.
depends on how you see it.
like whenever there are family events which include my relatives, etc,
i did not really like to go to these kind of events. but had to, in order to avoid my father's scoldings.
and whenever i go to these events, i find myself just sitting/standing there and just smiling at people
if they laugh, just laugh with them even when you don't get the joke.

also, i rarely open my mouth and talk to others or my cousins.
except for one, who is the same age as me.
maybe we have something in common to talk about.
adults aka my uncles and aunts.
the only thing that they can ask you is your education.
and end the conversation with study hard, do well for your future or just silence...
which is awkward, until one of us leaves or talks to another person

speaking of awkward, i still remember vividly
that very moment. i was going back home with my close friend.
we rode in her father's car
so her father asked me about my education, as adults do...
i just said one sentence "i couldn't make it"
and there was a very awkward silence.
even my close friend's mum went quiet
i felt very awkward and uncomfortable at that time.
did i say that too frankly?
maybe he wasn't expecting me to say that
and to break the silence, my friend said the obvious.
"well, that was awkward.."
and then we talked about another topic..

yup, maybe her father looks down on me and stuff
he must be thinking that his daughter should not hang out with me, a failure.
becos that's what i am. ;(

Hi again.
Just being bored at stuff.
Typing whatever comes to my mind.

Well, just to get things off my chest first.
I can still remember that conversaation i had with my friend.
I kind of feel low now.
Maybe cos i'm not getting the support i needed.
i'm all alone.
Alone in my battle.
Forever alone.
I think even if i die, i'll still be alone.
Come to think of it, i feel quite pathetic of myself.

Argh, come on! Snap out of it!
I've had lots of these thoughts.
Need to get over this!
Need some fresh air!
Need to snap out of this!
Need to just move on!
Go Qat! You can do it!
This is your life!
You don't need to care about what others say about you!
Just care about yourself!
Go Qat! Go!

Let's talk about something else.
Oh, i now have a pet turtle.
Still unsure of what to call it.
Oops. Got to go now. bye!

Somehow, after chatting with my friend, i felt a sense of awkwardness.
It was kind of weird. We had nothing to talk about.
After the topic that we discussed, we bacame kind of silent.

Somehow i feel that i'm drifting away from my friends.
Friends that i've known for almost 7 years.
Somehow, i felt those 7 years doesn't mean anything.
It's as if i've just known them for 7 months.
and we are just mere hi-bye friends.

Maybe i need some time-out.
Maybe i need to remove this negativity within me.
I have always tried to remove this negativity within me.
But whenever i'm with these friends, i somehow drifted towards this negativity.
Which doesn't make sense.
Doesn't make sense at all.

I thought i have gotten over these.
I thought i would be ok with all these.
Which i am. But i am upset that my friends think that it's not ok.
and they dare not to open their mouth, and ask if there's anything for them to do.
So far, the only helping hand that i was able to see was from  a friend of mine whom i've known only for 2 years. I feel a sense of chemistry with her. And i don't feel awkward sharing with her. My plans.
My future plans, and stuff.
Somehow i feel much better sharing it with her, rather than sharing it with my family or friends of 7 years. Why is that so?

Hmm, i don't know why.
i don't need to know them.
i'm now given a second chance in which i should not waste at all.
i must give it my all.
TO STUDY OR NOT.
It is entirely up to me. I should make up my mind. To use this opportunity or not.
Hopefully i do.
Hopefully.

Sometimes when i look at my past entries, i realise that i didn't know i was thinking like this at this time.
This helps. It allows me to voice out my uncertainty or insecurities even though i feel like i'm just talking to the wall. But hey, it's better than bottling up my feelings and ending up becoming crazy or something. haha!

Well, i gotta go! ah, i feel so much better now. Thanks! byeee! :D

So i've chosen the courses that i wanted to go to.

I have received my exam results.

Well well...