Tuesday, March 6, 2012
I'm in denial? Nahhh...
So i've chosen the courses that i wanted to go to.
And i told myself.
What if i can't get into uni?
Will it be okay to repeat or retake?
I'm fine with it.
As long as i can get into the course that i want.
Suddenly i really want to go into the course that i had originally wanted since sec 1.
And looking at my results, there's a 10% chance that i can get into that course.
I feel pathetic and sad looking at myself in this kind of situation.
It's just... I have to face the consequences of my actions.
I have to do my reflection now.
I was used to getting passes and all when i was in secondary school.
when i entered college, wow.
it is a whole different experience.
during my 1st year, we were all newbies.
And we were totally taking everything seriously.
And all that hard work did pay off.
After that, i seem to slack off.
I lost my focus in the second year even though it was important.
i thought i needed to do some leisure activities so that i can relieve my stress.
And I did. For a while it did help me.
Then it became an addiction. It kind of became a sin.
I was addicted to it.
Every once in a while, when no one is home, i kept my addiction alive.
But i was unable to tell anyone.
Because it's the kind of things people will tell me
that i'm all grown up now and i should now what's right and wrong for me.
And that i should be taking care of my health. Blah, blah, blah.
I was unable to stop this addiction.
To the extent that even when i was failing my subjects,
i became sad for a moment.
Then turn to that source of addiction to make myself happy.
It was a temporary happiness. But at least i was numb to those failures.
I was numb to everything that came my way.
And i've never cried so much in my life.
Last year was totally a record.
Not because of the addiction. But the failures.
Me being inconsistence.
But now, I'm trying to keep my addiction to a minimum.
It's hard to quit. So in the meantime, i'll just try to decrease the amount of time
i spend on feeding my addiction.
And before i forget, i shall mention something that really touched me
and almost made me cry.
My father. He can't stop telling me how proud he was of me.
Me passing all the subjects. In my opinion, i should have gotten those grades before
i sat for my major exams.
But it's too late for me to change the results.
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Saturday, March 3, 2012
Uncertain future...
I have received my exam results.
although it was not satisfactory, i was grateful that i finally passed all my subjects.
it was a happy moment for me.
but that happiness doesn't last forever.
i soon found myself dwelling about it.
i found my bad old self.
i became pessimistic.
trust me, i don't like this feeling.
but i just can't help feeling it.
well, if this wasn't bad enough,
something happened earlier today.
in what i saw hope to restore my self esteem and image,
it soon became an impossible mission when the amount of money needed
became too overwhelming for my dad.
i don't blame him.
i have no one to blame, except me.
at first it doesn't seem to affect me.
but then just like my results, i became kind of affected and disappointed.
DISAPPOINTED.
i hate this word.
never will it be in my dictionary.
i just wish i could get away from all these stuff.
i think it's kind of too much for me.
i can't absorb too much.
i'll go cranky and all emo.
gahh. i thank the people who supported me.
but to those hypocrites, they really should go to hell.
i just can't rely or trust anyone.
i can't even confide in anyone.
i will feel that i'm wasting their time.
it's kind of depressing.
i wanna cry, but i can't.
i wanna talk to someone, but i can't.
i wanna cheer myself up, but i can't.
i wanna be more optimistic, but i can't.
am i this useless?
am i this hopeless?
let's face it. if i can't take this challenges at this stage,
what will happen to me when i reach at an older age?
really confused.
got to get myself together.
and focus.
yeah, focus on the future.
what's past is past.
nothing can be undone.
alright. gonna take a nap.
thanks for letting me share my feelings.
Lots of love,
Chubby Cat
p.s. i heard milan said this:
don't deny fear, don't deny anxiety.
just acknowledge it and claim your spot.
i think it's quite cool. :)
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Thursday, March 1, 2012
Doom's Day is coming tmr! For me...
Well well...
So since now's 1st March, I thought maybe i'll just start sharing my thoughts
with less than 24 hours to my doom's day
i don't know how i will react when i see my results.
but i hope that whether it is good or not, i will accept it
and make the best out of it.
hopefully i don't cry.
really hope.
ok, so i'll just remember this:
as soon as i get my results, i will just go off straight.
don't look at my results first. wait till i get out of the hall
then i shall open it when no one is around.
if not, just keep walking till i am out of the school.
wow, that somehow sounds like a covert ops. lol
this is the result of too much tv! >.<
ok, let's talk about something else
i'm currently jobless.
it's complicated story.
to make it simpler, i need a job.
but my mom only restrict me to having a job in my area.
which is like quite impossible since i think job opportunities
are available at central areas. or somewhere further away from my house.
anyway, i'm spending my time or rather wasting my time at home.
becoming more fat. or even more inactive.
but, i'm still volunteering myself at rc.
so that should be good enough right?
well, now that i committed myself to this volunteering thing,
i got myself into an event, and a part of the committee itself!
i admit i might be overwhelmed by all these since i just came back
and trying to fit right back in.
and to make matters interesting,
i am the secretary! like for the first time! i am the secretary!!! woo hoo!
anyway, i'm quite nervous and pressured that i would not make a good job out of it.
cos everyone else seems to know what they are doing and i'm not that good at secretary
even though i am a girl--stereotyping!! haha
argh! as time passes, i can't stop thinking about tmr.
it's really gonna be a big day for me
it's gonna determine my life
whether i can pick myself up and move on.
or i just dwell in those sadness and self pity.
i hope not the latter
i really hope i ca be positive about it.
i'm even looking at my own prelim results
so that i can get used to the bad marks.
but funny thing is,
the more i see those results
the more i think it will become my reality tmr!
shit! it's too late to regret anything.
hopefully i just don't do something irrational.
my family is supporting me
and reminding me that no matter what the result is,
accept it and they will always support me.
i love you, my dear family.
i might not say it out loud but deep inside,
i really cherish you all.
Got to go now.
need to keep thinking positive.
need to find positive.
huat ah!
jia you! hwaiting! <3 <3 <3
Lots of love,
Chubby Cat
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Sunday, July 10, 2011
......
haizzz...
day by day, i'm slowly, losing hope..
i can foresee my future..
down the drain..
i don't know why..
i just.. arghhh...
**** me..
i think i ****ing suck!
this sucks like hell!!!
i know people look down on me.
they see me, and they think that i cannot make it.
well, guess what?
you people are right.
yes, YOU PEOPLE are right.
what was i thinking?
that i could prove you all wrong.
i keep failing time and again.
i'm sick and tired of failing.
just sick and ****ing tired.
yes, the only person who encourages me and
truly believes me is my father.
my mother. i didn't expect her to believe in me
because i know her. she has high expectations.
if you do well, she shuts up.
if you don't, she will shoot you down like a bullet.
she blames you for everything when things go wrong.
yeah, whatever. sometimes i feel like shouting at her.
but i didn't...
sometimes i feel like killing myself, you know.
just to shut her up.
like "there, you happy? you don't need to shout or waste
your breath on me anymore..**** that,"
ahh..**** me! this sucks. i have lost much time.
lots of time! i doubt that i will manage to finish this race.
i can't unless i have new source of inspiration.
come on, please! please! please! please! ****king please!
****!
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Tuesday, May 31, 2011
why so sad?
Argh. I feel so sad. So i just wanna let it all go here. Coz i know my family doesn't know about this blog. So it's good for me. So firstly, my GP paper. OMG! i didn't know what to say. Part of me want to say," good job,u've done ur best". Another part of me want to say,"oh girl,u just screwed urself up.u're screwed."
Argh. I felt so demoralised. So tired. I could feel my brain all dried up after that exam. So i told myself,"come on, suck it up! 5 more months!!!" And so i did.
Then,the alpha male was upset with the...young male.. Becoz he always leave early and come back home very late. As in 1 to 3 am. The alpha male scolded the alpha female for this. And i don't see the link between her and the young male. Tensions are high at home. No laughter. Just silence. As if we are invincible to one another.
When i think about it, i blame the young male's gf. My bro always return home at an appropriate time. But after getting tgt with her, i feel that he is under some spell. Always going out with her. I have heard of her situation before. And i don't sympathise her. I feel she deserved. I don't know why. I just feel so. She might appear nice but it's really too early to tell if she is really nice. Although they hope that they will be tgt for a long time,i hope otherwise. I don't know why either. I just don't feel comfortable with her.
And now, i have this stupid problem. My remedial class clash with my family vacation! Which sucks big time. Class is impt so as to prepare us for the upcoming exam after holidays. But then, it was quite hard to find 2 days for the family to be tgt and travel somewhere. ARGGHHH!!!!! HELP ME!
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Thursday, May 12, 2011
hallucinations
Heyhey. I just have to share this with u! I had less than 3 hours of sleep today. And i think i was hallucinating today! During sch! Or maybe i was just too damn tired. Thanks to gp. Anyway, we were walking to canteen when i spotted a girl carrying a watermelon. But seriously, i really thought that it was a watermelon. But when i asked my friends, they say they did not see it. Awww. My mind is playing tricks on me :( damnnnn.. I need to rest.
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Wednesday, May 11, 2011
my rants
Hey hey! Dear diary, today i slept for about 4 hours. Feels damn nice. Arghh.. Then reality hit me. I have some or a lot of homework to do! Shiitt!! Huhu~ tmr will be another tiring day. And each day i keep having to live with it. Looking forward to the end of the day where i can rest and sleep well. And i realise that i am kind of a private person. I only share with people i trust. And that is only some sharing moments. Else, i just have to bottle things up or dump it here or just live with it. Yeah. Life has its ups and downs. I wish i can be like peter pan. Forever young. Never have to worry about problems. Never have to worry about people backstabbing u or the way ppl look at u. U just have fun and don't care about what people say. U just have to be urself and not change because of people or circumstances.
I don't really know how to express myself throught words, or even actions. I don't even know if what i've been blogging are my expressions. Hopefully it is.
Did i ever tell u that i was always bullied at school? Well, not to the extent of beating up or extorting money. It's just "friendly" bully i guess. Everytime, my newfound "friends" and long time friend would either make fun of me, or vandalise my notes just because they do not want to dirty their own. Like wth! I have feelings too. And i don't like my notes being vandalised! And yet, when it is my turn, my "friends" would feel hurt and they show their emotions to me. And then start being bitchy. Guess what? I don't like that! I have feelings too! I just don't show my anger or emotions to u becoz i consider u as my friends. Or that's what i thought u all are. For eg, i just made fun of ur name. And u were upset with me. Wtf! U made fun of my name and i just laugh it off! I didn't take it seriously. And u? U had to show that u r upset. Like the whole world owes u an apology. And i had to make that apology. Tell u the truth. I wasn't sincere in my apology. I was feeling pissed instead. And i didn't show that in front of u, did i?!!
Now i believe that this saying by my long time friend. It's every man for himself. And i say game on. I'm gonna catch up with u. And knock over ur game.
Another eg. My so-called close friend confronted me for reading a passage too loud. Wtf! If u think it's too loud then take a few seats from me and stay there! I don't even wanna sit beside u! Damn it. Fucking shit. And u were unhappy about it. Don't u realise it was noisy in class when we were reading that passage? The noise isn't only from me. Noob shit. And u were all like,".. oh, then i think we need to resolve this.." fuck. U are the problem. Not me. Fucking pissed me off.
I really felt like crying at that time. Really was misunderstood. And it's my close friend! I don't know if she deserves to be called my close friend. :(
Ahh.. Dumping my emotions here feels good. I feel much better now. Phew. This blog is like my emotional space. Haha. Thanks to this blog, i can pour out my feelings,thoughts and my viewpoints. Ooh! These can be considered expressions right? Ok, good! I can express myself here! YAY!~ alright, gtg. I will come to u if i have any problems,ok bloggie/diary? :) hehe. Byebye!
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